A Hard Day's Night
by organdamage
Summary: "The years we spend as surgical residents will be the best and worst of our lives. We will be pushed to our breaking point. This is the starting line. This is our arena. How well we play? That's up to us."
1. Chapter 1

His finger gingerly grasped around the glass of water, slowly grasping it as he placed the rim against his mouth. The liquid slipped through his throat, and he quickly popped another pill, closing his eyes softly. All he needed was a minute to sit and think about what just happened, just sixty seconds, that was all.

"Dr. Hunt?" a nurse opened the door, letting light flow into the room, "they've arrived."

"Good," he replied curtly, "do we know of the casualty?" His eyes jumped around the room, anxious to hear her answer; anxious for his future; anxious for her future. He wanted to beg and plea to God that she was alright and that it was someone else, anyone else. Yet he sat in his chair, an ominous look cast over his face, his eyebrows furrowed with exhaustion.

"Yes, but, you're going to want to come see her," she responded, a mournful mien developed on her face, "please, Dr. Hunt, they asked for you."

Her. It was a girl. Was it his girl?

* * *

Meredith Grey awoke in a hospital bed, her mind stirred and her leg throbbing with pain. She opened her eyes slowly, to an empty room, with her vitals taped on a monitor. She let her thoughts guzzle for a moment, when she realized she knew who she was, where she was, what had happened, what was to become of all this. Lexie was dead. Her sister was dead. And she didn't even get to tell her how much she loved her. Meredith sat up, peering around the desolate space, and with reassurance that no one was there, she let out a sob. Her cries were quiet, but she needed this time so badly, she needed to cry and grieve and not let anyone else see her, because she, she was supposed to be the strong one; the rock. Derek would need her, Mark would need her, Zola would need her, she couldn't let anyone see her let her guard down. Only for this moment, could she take a step away from actuality and realize that her sister was gone, forever.

"Mer?" a familiar face rounded the doorway, "Mer you're awake?"

"Oh, yeah," she wiped her eyes with her hand, "Cristina shouldn't you be in a bed? Or were you not admitted?"

"Surprisingly the sling was outpatient, I get no drugs," she frowned with a slight chuckle, "Derek's still in surgery, in case you were wondering."

"Thanks," she replied, sniffling, "how's Mark?"

"How are you?" Cristina retorted, "and don't even pull the 'I'm fine' crap because I just saw you get all weepy and we both know why."

"She's gone," Meredith stated, a blank stare enveloping her countenance, "she's gone, she's gone forever."

As Meredith's voice began to crack, and the tears began to fall, Cristina took her cue to scoot her friend over and lay in the small hospital bed with her. She watched as Meredith closed her eyes and whimpered, crying for all the times she couldn't cry before. Without saying a word, Cristina leant her head into Meredith's neck, wrapped her hand in Meredith's, and closed her eyes, too.

"You can cry, too, it's okay to cry," Meredith said, almost reassuring herself.

"No, I'll let you have this one," Cristina replied, "you deserve to have this one."

**tell me what you guys think of this! i have a long plan for how all this grief plays out, and i like to stay true to shonda, but not too true! this will ultimately be a MerDer story (because I adore them) but it will take awhile for their plot to progress, let me know thoughts, please leave a review! **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

_One Month Later_

The room felt empty and cold as Derek lay next to his wife, who was curled in a ball on the other end of the bed. He guessed it was pretty late, but he didn't have the motivation to sit up and check the clock. It would be another restless night where he could not close his eyes and just fall asleep, because that was near impossible after everything that happened. Meredith would often whimper in her sleep, let out soft cries for Lexie, and then simply deny the nightmares in the morning, but Derek knew how much she was suffering. He propped his casted arm across his chest, staring at the mess that had become his hand. Callie operated on it four times and they were hopeful for a full recovery, but it would be a long while before he set foot in an OR again. The thought of surgery in itself made Derek smile, but then the frustration swept in as he realized how far away that day would be. Meredith also hadn't been to work since the accident, she had only recently gotten out of the hospital, two weeks ago, then Lexie's funeral came and she couldn't bear to be around the hospital. They both surrounded themselves with Zola, digesting every move she made, every sound that she giggled.

"Derek?" Meredith whispered, opening her eyes gently. "How long have you been up?"

"I don't really sleep," he replied, tenderly putting her messy hair behind her ear, "too many things to think about."

"Maybe we need another trip to Dr. Wallace?" she offered, kissing his temple softly, "Der you really need to sleep."

"Perhaps," he responded quietly, "it's just the grief, is all."

"Whenever I close my eyes I see her face," Meredith began, "and at first I didn't like that, and it scared me. But the more I do it, the less I miss her, because she's here, she's here, somewhere."

"How can you be so strong?" he asked, intertwining his fingers with hers.

"I'm not strong," she retaliated, "I'm just trying to get through the day."

"But then the night comes," he started, "and there is just no escaping."

"I'm not free, I'm just not trapped," she replied, "I love you and Zo more then anyone in the whole world."

"I'm glad," he kissed her again, "you two are the reason I get through the day."

"How's your hand?" she asked, brushing her fingers across his cast, "how's the pain?"

"I'm fine," he replied, "how's your pain?"

"I'll be okay," she answered, the bleeding in her brain had stopped without surgery, and Bailey had operated on her when they found blood in her kidneys, so after a few weeks she felt okay. She didn't feel good, but she felt okay. There was never any getting better from this, the pain that she feels, it won't go away. Or at least it won't go away any time soon.

"Did you hear what Zola said today?" Derek smiled, placing a hand delicately around her neck.

"No! Did she say something new?" Meredith responded excitedly, a smile broadening across her face.

"She kept saying 'ax-y" and at first I didn't know what she was saying," Derek began, "but then she kept saying it with such a determined look on her face, and then she said 'want ax-y.'

"She wanted Lexie?" Meredith said quietly, "Lexie. Well what did you tell her?"

"I said that when mommy and daddy take Zo out to go see the stars she's up there, and where the brightest star in the sky is, that's where Lexie is."

* * *

The rain thrashed against the pavement as Meredith stepped out of her car, struggling to open her umbrella, ultimately giving up the fight. She laughed at herself, how ridiculous she must have looked, but then the solemn graveyard hit her like a wave. The grief infiltrated every breath she took, every step she made toward the tombstone. She told Derek she had gone to Cristina's to help her pack, just so he wouldn't insist on following her here.

"I'll never stop loving you," Meredith whispered, sitting down on the wet grass, her black pants stained with mud. "Please, Lexie, please forgive me, for not saying goodbye." Her hands shook wildly as she placed the daffodils across the grave, kissing each flower, attempting to not drain them with her tears.

"I don't think I've ever cried this much in my life," she laughed, the tears drowning her face, "but Lex, every tear is for you, every tear are all those words I never said. And not just that last moment, when you took your last breath and I wasn't there, all those words before I knew you even existed. I lived so many years of my life, not even knowing I had a sister." Meredith caressed the dirt with her palm, feeling the budding grass with her fingers.

"I ran around my whole life thinking that I never had a family, that I never needed family, that I never wanted a family," her sobs began to subside, "but then I met you, and I realized that dark and twisty feeling, that empty hole that I felt, and I never knew where it was, it was in my heart all along, and you filled it."

Meredith brushed the indent of Alexandra Grey with her thumb, "thank you."

**thoughts please! more reviews would be excellent, hopefully ill put up another chapter tomorrow, we'll see!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

There was a certain lull in the apartment that felt very out of place; as if what she was doing was wrong. The packages and boxes that patterned themselves across the kitchen were haunting, she felt as if she should unpack them, but she couldn't. Her husband sat cross- legged on the floor, feeling the harbored wood with his hand. They didn't exchange a word, just a long, mesmerizing glance that made her decision even tougher. The bed was still there, but she had the sheets, and the couch was still there, but she got to have the pillows.

"I guess this is it," he commented, now staring at the floor, a blank look on his face.

"Yeah, Mer should be here soon to take me to the airport," she replied, "are you sure you want to take all these boxes to the post office?"

"I figured you'd be too busy settling in Minnesota to want to deal with all this delivery crap," he responded, his eyes still fixated on the floor, his hand tapping and fingers shaking.

"I'll miss you," she sat on the floor, touching his hand softly, "just because we're separated doesn't mean I don't still love you."

"I'll never stop loving you," he looked up at her, fighting the tears that welled, how he had dreaded this day. He thought that the plane crash would change their relationship, that she'd realize that they needed each other, but it was the opposite. All she wanted was new and to get away from "Seattle Grace Mercy Death." She wanted to begin again where people knew her as an excellent surgeon, and nothing more. He knew that this was what was best for her; in his heart all he wanted was for her to be happy.

The car honked from outside, startling the couple as Cristina slowly stood up, releasing her hand from his grip. He still sat on the floor, so broken in the moment, watching her grab her suitcase and purse, and run her fingers through her hair. How he wanted to run his fingers through her hair, but he resisted.

"I guess this is goodbye," she stated slowly, turning the knob to the front door.

"Kickass in Mayo," he smiled, "I'll miss you."

* * *

The car ride was quiet, Meredith focused on the road, surprised she even made it out of the bed to drive her person to her new life. Her heart ached as the people that were supposed to be her family disappeared left and right, even Derek was in a crappy mood all the time.

"So will I be seeing you in Boston?" Cristina broke the tension, smiling softly.

"I don't think so," Meredith replied, "Brigham understands with everything that happened I need time, but if Derek can't operate then the position at Harvard may be repealed, in which case he'll go crazy."

"How is he?" she looked concerned, "How's the hand?"

"The hand's getting better, but his attitude not so much," she responded, "I mean he's trying to be there for me with everything that's happened, but I can just tell that smile plastered on his face is out of pity, even around Zola, he's not happy."

"Can you really expect him to be?" Cristina retorted, "if I lost my hand.. I don't know what I'd do with my life."

"But life isn't just surgery, it's so much more then that," Mer countered, "he has me and Zola, he has his mother, he has so much love."

"It's not the same thing," Cristina stated, "love and happiness are not the same thing." Meredith wanted to roll her eyes and tell Cristina that all she wanted was to stop driving the car and turn back toward the hospital, how much she wanted everything to go back to how it was. She wanted to cry and scream and tell her how hard it was so watch her best friend leave her life, and how hard it was to see her not even sad about it.

"We're here," Mer's voice cracked, but she tried to cover it, "sorry I have a cold."

"No you don't," she smiled, both getting out of the car, "don't go all weepy on me."

"I won't, I won't," Mer reassured her, wiping her tears swiftly, "this isn't goodbye, we're going to visit each other."

"Of course," Cristina pulled her bag out of the back of the car, "and you and Derek will be happy, I know it."

"I'm going to miss you, so much," her voice still uneasy, "I think this constitutes hugging."

"I think so, too," Cristina wrapped her arms around Meredith, "tell my godchild I love her very much."

"She knows," Mer responded, "if you don't call me I will hunt you down and drag you back here."

"Oh Meredith," Cristina broke away, staring straight into her best friend, her own eyes slowly beginning to water, "I swear to God you better not make me cry."

"I'm sorry," Mer looked away for a moment, trying to focus on how good this was going to be for Cristina, how straying away from this life of forebodings is going to be so good.

"You're still my person," Cristina added, "you'll always be my person."

**sorry it's been so long and sorry that was so short, I got sick and I have finals I'll try to update again this weekend, but only if yall review! I wanna know what direction people want this to go in :))))**


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